How to avoid toxic people 5 simple secrets that will make you happier

How to avoid toxic people 5 simple secrets that will make you happierHow to avoid toxic people 5 simple secrets that will make you happierWe all know a few people that treat causing grief like its a career. Its as if your life is a video game and they were put here just to make finishing this level harder.These arent simple jerks or someone having a bad day these are folks with deep-seated problems. Serious interpersonal dysfunction. Lack of social awareness. And, perhaps fruchtwein leidably, an inability to change.TheDSM-5says that roughly 15% of people meet the criteria for a personality disorder. And most of them are never diagnosed. Now youre bedrngnislage a psychiatrist and neither am I, so we shouldnt run around diagnosing peopleBut wecanlearn enough to recognize if someone is a high-conflict person, reasonably give a diagnosis of no good for moi and steer clear of them.So what are the three most pernicious flavors of high-conflict people?Narcissistic HCPsThey often seem very c harming at first but believe they are hugely superior to others. They insult, humiliate, mislead, and lack empathy for their Targets of Blame. They also demand constant undeserved respect and attention from everyone According to a 2008 report of a National Institutes of Health study, mora than 6 percent of the general population has the disorder. Thats mora than twenty-two million people in North America.Borderline HCPsThey often abflug out extremely friendly- but they can suddenly and unpredictably shift into being extremely angry. When this shift occurs, they may seek revenge for minor or nonexistent slights The speed with which they turn from seeming to love you to hating you is breathtaking A 2008 report of a National Institutes of Health study indicates that nearly 6 percent of the general population has BPD.Antisocial (or Sociopathic/Psychopathic) HCPsThey can be extremely charismatic- but their charm is a cover for their drive to dominate others through lying, stealing, publi cly humiliating people, physically injuring them, and- in extreme cases- murdering them The large NIH studydetermined that 3.6 percent of the population has this disorder. Thats about thirteen million people in North America.I do want to emphasize that these aredisorders. These people are suffering. Theyre not necessarily bad people. I dont want to contribute to mental health stigma - but you need to protect yourself.Any responsible mental health professional would advise you to keep your distance from people with these problems, if at all possible.Theirdisorders arent going away without serious help, and until they get it, they have the potential to seriously screw your life up.So how do we learn how to identify and avoid them? Lets get tips from an expertBill Eddy is a licensed clinical social worker that has provided therapy to patients in psychiatric hospitals for more than a decade. He has taught negotiation and mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law and serves as adjunct faculty at the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at Pepperdine University.His book is5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict Personalities.Were gonna cover the three that are likely to cause the biggest problems for you.Lets get to it The 4 behavior patterns of high conflict peopleEverybody has bad days. Or bad weeks. So how can you tell if someone is coping with some temporary issues or if they are truly anoh-my-god-watch-out-high-conflict-person?Look for these fourpatterns of behavior1) Lots of all-or-nothing thinkingHCPs tend to see conflicts in terms of one simple solution (i.e., everyone doing exactly what the HCP wants). They dont- and perhaps cant- analyze the situation, hear different points of view, and consider several possible solutions. Compromise and flexibility seem impossible for them.2) Intense or unmanaged emotionsHCPs tend to become very emotional about their points of view. They often catch everyone else by surprise with their sudden and intense fear, sadness, yelling, or disrespect. Their responses can be way out of proportion to whatever is happening or being discussed, and they often seem unable to control their own emotions.3) Extreme behavior or threatsHCPs frequently engage in extreme negative behavior. This might include shoving or hitting someone spreading rumors and outright lies about them trying to have obsessive contact with them There are also some HCPs who use emotional manipulation to hurt others but can appear very emotionally in control while they do it They often seem clueless about how their behavior has a devastating and exhausting emotional impact on others.4) A preoccupation with blaming othersThe single most common- and most obvious- HCP trait is how frequently and intensely they blame other people, especially people close to them and people who seem to be in positions of authority over them.If somebody does one of these fo ur, hey, nobodys perfect. But if someone routinely exhibits all 4? Almost certainly an HCP.Its always a good idea to take some time getting to know people. Especially before trusting, hiring, or marrying them. Learn about their personal history, preferably from sources other than merelythem.Yes, some people have had a run of bad luck and their past is marked by problems and bad relationships. But nobody has consistent bad luck fordecades. This is probably not someone who has tragically gone from problem situation to problem situation this is probably Patient Zero.And if you seriously suspect someone is an HCP, under no circumstances should you accuse them of being a narcissist, borderline or antisocial. You might as well write please ruin my life on your forehead.(To learn more about how you and your children can lead a successful life, check out my bestselling bookhere.)So you have suspicions about someone. Specifically, what should you look for? Scrutinize their words, emotions an d behavior. Lets start with words Words to look forEach type gives clues if you listen closelyNarcissistic HCPs Anything that indicates arrogance, entitlement, and a lack of empathy. They see the world as made up of winners and losers.Borderline HCPs Victim narratives will be front and center. Youll feel bad for them because it seems like their life keeps burning down (but theyll neglect to mention theyre an arsonist).Antisocial HCPs They will probably attempt to break the record for most lies told in a single conversation.But all three will eventually display blaming of others, all-or-nothing thinking, victim stories, and a desire to punish.From5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeWatch out for words that grab your attention, especially a pattern of all-or-nothing language. You always . . . You never . . . Its my way or the highway Its ALL your fault Keep in mind that we all say these things occasionally. Its the pattern and intensity of frequently speaking and writing this way that should grab your attention.(To learn how to deal with passive-aggressive people, clickhere.)So you know what words to look for. But even more telling are emotions Emotions to look forExtreme ones. Extreme charm, extreme love, and extreme anger are all signs of possible trouble.Or someone who is tightly controlled with their emotions until - BOOM. They lose it. And suddenly theyre so unrecognizable that you skip telling them to calm down and consider calling an exorcist.The other emotions to stay aware of areyour own. How are they makingyoufeel? Many people end up in toxic romantic relationships with narcissists or borderlines and wonder how it happened. Those powerful feelings they experienced werent love - they were emotional manipulation.Anytime you feel extreme emotions with someone you barely know, it pays to slow things down and be a bit circumspect. So what are you most likely to feel with each type?WithNarcissistic HCPsDo you feel stupid or otherwise inadequate around the person? Do you feel in awe of the person and amazed that he or she is spending time with you? Does it feel like this person has lost interest in you or now insults you in front of others?When astronomers finally discover the center of the universe, narcissists will be shocked they are not it.WithBorderline HCPsDo you feel extremely frustrated with the person, like you want to shake them or yell at them to get them to stop behaving in some inappropriate way? Are you amazed that your emotions swing back and forth so extremely with this person?If you wonder how the fully grown adult in front of you has suddenly become the most emotionally overwrought manipulative adolescent imaginable, seeming to cycle through completely different personalities faster than you can change channels on your TV, thats a borderline.WithAntisocial HCPsDo you sometimes feel a sense of danger just being around this person? Do you sometimes get a cold, creepy feeling when this person is around? Do other pe ople tell you that this person cant be trusted and is a con artist?If youve wondered, Is thereanythingthis person wouldnt say to get what they want? Helloooooo, antisocial.(To learn the 4 harsh truths that will make you a better person, clickhere.)Emotions are good signs. But nothing beats behavior Behavior to look forThis can seem tricky because theres no exhaustive list. But there is a simple method you can use thats quite effectivethe 90% rule.From5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeWhen you see something extremely negative, ask yourself Would 90 percent of people ever do this? If the answer is no, you are almost always watching a high-conflict personality in action.Yes, theyre going to make excuses. Wasnt my fault, I had a rough day,the dog ate my homework and it welches the aliens that built the pyramids. Itll always be something.But the most dangerous excuses are the ones you might findyourselfmaking to explain such bad behavior. This means youre already under their spellS o relay the story to an objective third party and ask their honest opinion to make sure youre not in denial about what kind of person youve been dealing with.(To learn how to make your life awesome, clickhere.)Okay, at this point you know they are officially a 100% USDA-approved high-conflict person. (Um congratulations?) So what do you do now?No further contact. Period.But, sadly, that is not always an option. So heres a simple 4-step method for handling that next encounter Use CARSNo, Lightning McQueen, were not talking about the Pixar movie. Its an acronymConnect with empathy, attention, and respectAnalyze alternatives or optionsRespond to misinformation or hostilitySet limits on high-conflict behaviorFirst, make sure youre calm. You dont want to be reactive and you dont want to show any negativity. (And that can proveverychallenging with these people.)Ready? Alright, lets walk through the 4 steps 1) CONNECT WITH ATTENTION, EMPATHY, AND RESPECTWith narcissists and antisocials, em phasize respect. With borderlines, focus on empathy.From5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeI can see this is a frustrating situation. Empathy Tell me more- I want to understand whats happening from your point of view. Attention I have a lot of respect for your efforts to resolve this problem. RespectAlways communicate in a way that you would like them to mirror.2) ANALYZE ALTERNATIVES OR OPTIONSAlways deal with the problem at hand by presenting them with choices. It gives them the illusion of autonomy and control, which will reduce further conflict.From5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeTalk about options or choices that the person has. You can turn anything into a choice, which makes the person feel more empowered and more respected. For example Suppose a narcissistic HCP has just dropped in or called you, demanding attention. You could respond I can help you right now, but only for about five minutes. Next week, if we schedule it, I can spend about an hour with you on th is. Its up to you. This approach helps you turn their demand into a choice, so that you can limit their disruption of your time while they still feel respected and considered.3) RESPOND TO MISINFORMATION OR HOSTILITYUse a BIFF response - brief, informative, friendly and firm.From5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeThis is what I call a BIFF response Its brief (just a sentence or paragraph), informative (just straight information, not defensiveness), friendly (keeps the tone nonadversarial), and firm (meaning it ends the potentially hostile discussion).4) SET LIMITS ON HIGH-CONFLICT BEHAVIORIf your boundaries seem arbitrary they will almost certainly try and steamroll you. Narcissists will demand, borderlines will cry, and antisocials will turn on the charm.So make sure your limits come from an external source outside your control Id love to give you what you want but my boss/spouse/dominatrix just wont let me.From5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeThats why you cant just s ay no you have to back it up with firm boundaries and clear consequences for violating them. You may need to set limits on the topics you will discuss, the amount of time you will spend together, the tasks you will do or not do for them, and so forth. In practice, we do this with everyone we meet, but people who are not high-conflict types intuitively understand our limits and normally dont violate them Make it clear that the limit isnt about them explain how your schedule, your boss, or other external circumstances require you to set this limit, and hold it firmly in place.And make sure tonevertrigger the deepest fear of an HCP while dealing with themNarcissistic HCPsfear disrespect. Of course, they act like jerks and people inevitably lose respect for them.Borderline HCPs fear abandonment.Of course, they are a nonstop emotional rollercoaster that makes everyone run away from them as soon as humanly possible.Antisocial HCPs fear control.So they break every rule and often end up in prison, utterly controlled.(To learn the 4-step morning ritual that will make you happy all day, clickhere.)Okay, weve covered a lot. Lets round it all up and talk about the dangers of flying monkeys. Yes, I said flying monkeys Sum upThis is how to avoid toxic peopleBehavior patterns to look forBlaming, all-or-nothing thinking, playing the victim and unmanaged emotions.Words to look forI blame you for not paying more attention to what I wrote above. You never, ever read what I write, do you? I feel so victimized by you skimming this page. And one day Ill get back at you. Just you waitEmotions to look forYour own. If youre having extreme ones - even if theyre positive - be wary.Behavior to look for90% of people would not tritt an old lady down a flight of stairs. (Even if shedidhave it coming.)Use CARSConnect, Analyze Options, Respond with BIFF, Set Limits.So whats a flying monkey? If youre thinking Wizard of Oz, you get the reference. Theyre the ones that did the Wicked Witchs dir ty work.Flying monkeys are people under the spell of the HCP. They fell for one of the victim stories - and in this narrativeyourethe bad guy. HCPs love a good smear campaign.So the flying monkey thinks theyre being a good friend, coming to the aid of their beleaguered pal, and attacking you - that horrible, horrible person. This can lead to rumors spread around the office or social circles that make you look bad and probably arent easily traceable back to their source, the HCP.The flying monkey is probably a decent person just trying to do the right thing for their friend. And if you unload on them, youll look like the monster youve been portrayed as. If you say mean things about the HCP, youll just prove your guilt. So what do you do when confronted by a flying monkey?First off, be nice. Second, the only way to break the spell and clear your name is to provideverifiable, accurate information about the evildoings of the HCP. Its no guarantee, but if you keep your cool and only sa y things that will check out, you may be able to free them from the Wicked Witchs mind control - and get yourself an ally.One final, very important point dont let all this make you paranoid.Most people are good. But if someone gets your Spidey-Sense tingling, pay attentionto their words, notice your emotions, try the 90% rule, use CARS - and be nice to flying monkeys.In the end, the only way to truly win with toxic people is not to play.Join over 320,000 readers.Get a free weekly update via emailhere.This article first appeared on BarkingUpTheWrongTree.